Wednesday, March 2, 2016

No, I haven't given up on you!

Dear Baby,

even though I took a four months long break from writing to you, I never took one moment to not think about you!

I wanted to update a million times! I have just never gotten around to doing it.

Since November we had two more transfers. Not with blasts but with 6 grade A and B embryos! None implanted! Not even a chemical... Nothing.

Now I am sitting here not knowing what to do. Should we stick with a clinic that messed up thawing our embabies for the second transfer so that we ended up not doing two blast transfers but three in total with two of them only three day transfers. Or should we switch clinics and pay three times the amount we are paying right now? Do they work better for their money? Will they try to find out why it's not working and make me pregnant? Or is there really no reason and we simply need to wait?

The question that pops up in my mind every time I ask myself the above question is: How much longer do I need to wait when apparently Mr. B and I are both healthy? And why do all of our friends become pregnant in their second month despite having medical issues?

I started seeing a psychologist. I think she helps me clear my thoughts and deal with all the pregnancies around me. Even today I had a friend telling me she is 19 weeks pregnant after an "accident". I am kind of okay with the news because I really like her and she never had it easy in life. My psychologist helped me to find out that I have more trouble with girls I don't really like anyways.

One of them is Ch. She is married to a friend of Mr. B. She got pregnant right away although she has hashimoto's. Untreated hashimoto's. We were supposed to spend NYE together but after I got the news the night before, I just couldn't get around to going there.

I envy her. Not the life she has, only the fact that she is pregnant! That she gets to go to work until she reaches a certain date and then she will be off for quite a while. I envy her because she is the most superficial person I know and in my eyes she doesn't deserve being a mom. She doesn't deserve such a great gift when all she cares about is how she looks and I would be the the best mom possible. I envy her because she can have all the excitement that comes with a pregnancy: feeling the baby move, feeling connected right from the start, finding out the gender...

And sometimes I feel like superwoman! I know that I am a deep person. A person who cares about others, has wonderful friends who are my friends because of me and who are by my side no matter what. I know that I am one of the strongest women there is. I have to be because strong is the only option and one day I will be strong for my baby. I am so sure I will be a mom soon and that baby #2 and #3 will come easily. I mean, I have to become a mom one day. It would be a waste of my warmth and love if I didn't have children to give it all to!

But then all of this super power disappears to a place pretty far away and I am so scared that I will be left with no children. Leading a sad and lonely life! Right now the super power has disappeared to this place and I am listening to sad songs to make me even more sad!

I don't know how much longer I can keep loving you, when you keep being so far away!

xoxo Mommy