Monday, November 9, 2015

7dp5dt - Heartbroken

Dear Baby,

I feel like you are as far away from me as ever. Last Monday I had my 5 day transfer. I felt great about this cycle. How could I not after everything I have done for this cycle to work?!
On November 2nd the day of the transfer finally arrived. I have waited so long for this day. Since I have been told over and over by my drs that I will definitely have a baby since I am still so young (yeah right, I will be at least 30 when I have my first child and I didn't want to just have one) and nothing has been found that causes my infertility I expected to arrive at the clinic to have two best grade blastocysts transferred back. I haven't been told anything about the quality of the blastocysts. I had to ask only to be told that they reached the blastocyst stage but the cell division could have been better. I still have no idea what that means, I just know that I have been very disappointed since with everything the drs have always told me I expected nothing less than perfect blastocysts.

I stayed home the day of and one day after the transfer. Right after the transfer I felt some mild cramping for about three days. I interpreted that as a good sign since something could be happening that causes the ligaments around the uterus to stretch. My skin has been so terrible and I was hungry all the time. Maybe it has just been a sign of my constant procrastination since I can't work when I eat... Apart from that I didn't really feel anything.

Since fertility treatment takes out all chances of a surprise I wanted to at least surprise daddy by testing every day. The first idea behind doing that was to see when the trigger shot leaves my system to be sure that when I see a second line closer to my blood test I know it is not the trigger but a baby. The second thought was that if I knew before my beta I could plan something really cute to tell your daddy that you are finally on your way. That would have been a lot better than just telling him in a message or on the phone when he is at work asking for the result of the blood test. Also I wanted to know before the blood test to be prepared when the clinic calls with a negative result and I am still at work...

So I have been testing every day since I triggered two weeks ago. And once the second line had completely vanished on day 4 past 5dt it had never appeared again. And by now I am sure that it would return until Wednesday, the day of my beta. I thought that with everything being so smooth this cycle and a test day of 11/11/15 I thought it just had to work. I just hoped that after all these hard steps that now could be my time where I start to be the lucky(ier) one. There are so many women who get pregnant the first time... Why not me? Why does this step have to be full of struggles again? The worst is that, I don't know where the difference in technique between the US and Germany is, but here only 1/3 of the fertilized eggs become blastocysts. So out of my 12 fertilized eggs 6 have already been used to give me the two transferred embryos. We only have one try left before we have to start a whole new IVF cycle again. I don't know if I can do that all over again. I know I will do it but right now I cannot imagine how. But what if that won't be a success either? A third time won't be supported by my health insurance. I know my mind is running in overdrive but I could already see next summer with you here clearly before my eyes. And yet, I have to say goodbye to this idea again...

Bye bye***