Friday, October 9, 2015

Long time no see...still fighting

Dear Baby,

it has been three months since my last post. So much has happened that it is impossible to put into a few words. I wanted to sit down and write to you many many times but then life got in the way. And very often hope. Hope that I would be PUPO and you would finally make your way to us.

But then you have been pulled away from me again two cycles in a row.

Your auntie Christin and uncle Torsten included me a lot in their pregnancy. Since this is my brother and his wife who I both love dearly, that was more than okay. I felt like if I can't experience all this myself, at least I can experience it with and through them. I heard baby Marla's heartbeat and saw her little face in an US. I can genuinely say I am more than happy about her arrival here in September 27th. But seeing her the first two times made my struggle even more real. I have had a few friends who had babies but it never hit so close to home. Since she is my niece, she is also my blood and although it sounds ridiculous, I feel a little like her mommy. Often I tried to find words for what my heart misses and holding Marla I didn't need any words because what would fill the hole in my hard was right there in my arms. It makes the pain I feel even more real.

Then two days ago Rike, the "friend" I had a fall-out with a few months back, had her baby too. You might think I am a mean and cold-hearted person but I have to say that I am not even able to feel a little glimpse of happiness for her. Nothing! I even hoped she would have a long hard labor. She complained for nine months. About everything! I just wanted her to really go through something worth complaining... I don't want to see her and this baby.

Now a few words about our journey to you. After our 4th IUI failed we decided to move forward with IVF. Everything went smoothly until a few days before egg retrieval. well the shots for the down regulation were no fun but somehow I have been able to give all of them myself. Shortly before we started IVF I got a little tattoo. I joined the semicolon project. The semicolon is chosen by the author when s/he could have ended a sentence but decided not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life. It all started as a symbol of hope and encouragement for people who suffer from depression and/or tried to commit suicide. They either wear the semicolon on their wrist or their relatives/friends wear it to support them. I am neither suicidal nor do I suffer from depression but this project spread to anyone who is hurting. and I AM HURTING. Daily, for years now. It is also for everyone who went/is going through a hard time, has anxieties, is sad... So it is for all us TTC sisters. I got the semicolon tattoed on my wrist to remind me at this time my whole life. I choose to be reminded at how strong I am (I have to be, otherwise I would have been broken already), that your daddy and me made it through this, that I have wonderful friends who are with me every step of the way, who send me care packages, listen to me when I cry...just support me. I never want to forget how much I already love you and that I was able to endure things I never thought I could, just to make you real.
Well only a few days before ER my dr said we will cancel the cycle since he fears overstimulation (OHSS). I was devastated! To say the least. We went through the ER and got 16 eggs, out of which 12 fertilized. These fertilized eggs have been frozen immediately. I was a little disappointed since my dr talked about way over 20 eggs before retrieval... Because when we do 5dt there will only remain 4 blastozysts, which means 2 transfers when we have 2 embryos transferred every time. Only two tries!!! And then we have to go through all of this again...

Well, I got my period quickly after ER. I was glad because that meant, we can start prepping for a FET. But then, for the first time ever, the day the fertilized eggs were supposed to be thawed the dr said that my lining is too thin and we have to cancel this cycle again. The way he deals with his patients made me switch drs. I don't even get into the part where the clinic charged us for things they didn't even do and then said all was correct but to not lose me as a patient they would take some of the costs out of the bill...

Now I am waiting for AF to arrive to start a second try of a FET. Today is Friday and I hope CD1 will be Sunday. Three weeks into this cycle we will have our transfer if everything works out this time... I will keep you posted and will add pictures in a few days so it's not a big chunk of text.
I also plan on being more active here again.

Love you,
your mommy***

No comments:

Post a Comment