Thursday, October 29, 2015

Defrosting day!

Dear baby,

or should I say babies? Today is the day you are taken out of your freezer and get the chance to develop. I have been so nervous this morning that I have not been able to sleep anymore. Every time I think about you I get butterflies in my stomach.

I really really hope we get at least 2 blastozysts out of the six defrosted fertilized eggs. That is the only thing standing between today and our transfer. I am so excited to see you on Monday. I hope to get a picture of you to carry around me and to help me know what you looked like at such a young age. Not every parent gets the chance to see their little baby at this stage. As you can see I learn to see the positive aspects of this journey!

Can't wait to see you Monday! I already love you!


Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Almost on your way?

Dear Baby,

today I started getting butterflies in my stomach. Why? Because on Friday I had my first US for this cycle. Since the last two cycles had been cancelled and I took clomid, which is always a risk for the uterine lining, I have been really worried that this cycle would be a bust again. I felt more than relieved when the dr said that the lining looked good in structure and thickness. Additionally, I have two perfect looking follicles, which are important for hormone production.
On Monday October 26th I triggered ovulation and tomorrow I am going to start progesterone because on Monday November 2nd I will finally have my transfer. It is more than amazing and exciting to know that I will have two little embryos in my belly in a week. It is the first time in my life that I will be able to say that I am pregnant. That is if everything goes as planned with the further development into blastozysts in the following few days.

I made an appointment for my very first acupuncture ever as well. Two days before and one day after transfer, as well as one week after transfer I will get acupuncture. There are so many more things I am doing with IVF that I didn't do before. So deep down I can't help but almost EXPECT that this is going to bring me YOU. I know it will be a deep fall, if this doesn't work as well. We have one more try with a FET before we have to start with the shots again. I really hope I will be spared of another round since I am still not a needle person. Right now I decided to stay positive. The only aspect bothering me is that transfer will be on the first day of school after the fall break. I hate to call in sick. Especially right after a break.

So here is a list of the things I did/am doing this cycle:

things I have done before as well:

  • thyroid medicine
  • vitamin D
  • folic acid
  • pomegranate juice
  • a multi vitamin

things I did/am doing for the first time:

  • different teas
  • herbs
  • brazil nuts
  • breakfast with lots of seeds and nuts
  • nuts/almonds for snack
  • iron pills
  • acupuncture
  • cardio at least twice a week
  • more meat and fish
  • relaxation exercises

So all in all I am taking more care about my health. Body and mind. I feel really good about all this now. I am confident that you are just around the corner, ready to come home. And when I picture myself during the relaxation exercise I always see one baby in my arms but pushing a twin stroller. Is that you telling me that you are going to bring someone along? I really do hope so but if you decide to be my only gift that is fine as well. All I want is a healthy and happy baby. If you come in a pair you are both more than welcome. 

Only 5 more days (I am not counting the day of transfer) and you might be moving in! Once again, you are welcome to bring a sibling.


Friday, October 9, 2015

Long time no see...still fighting

Dear Baby,

it has been three months since my last post. So much has happened that it is impossible to put into a few words. I wanted to sit down and write to you many many times but then life got in the way. And very often hope. Hope that I would be PUPO and you would finally make your way to us.

But then you have been pulled away from me again two cycles in a row.

Your auntie Christin and uncle Torsten included me a lot in their pregnancy. Since this is my brother and his wife who I both love dearly, that was more than okay. I felt like if I can't experience all this myself, at least I can experience it with and through them. I heard baby Marla's heartbeat and saw her little face in an US. I can genuinely say I am more than happy about her arrival here in September 27th. But seeing her the first two times made my struggle even more real. I have had a few friends who had babies but it never hit so close to home. Since she is my niece, she is also my blood and although it sounds ridiculous, I feel a little like her mommy. Often I tried to find words for what my heart misses and holding Marla I didn't need any words because what would fill the hole in my hard was right there in my arms. It makes the pain I feel even more real.

Then two days ago Rike, the "friend" I had a fall-out with a few months back, had her baby too. You might think I am a mean and cold-hearted person but I have to say that I am not even able to feel a little glimpse of happiness for her. Nothing! I even hoped she would have a long hard labor. She complained for nine months. About everything! I just wanted her to really go through something worth complaining... I don't want to see her and this baby.

Now a few words about our journey to you. After our 4th IUI failed we decided to move forward with IVF. Everything went smoothly until a few days before egg retrieval. well the shots for the down regulation were no fun but somehow I have been able to give all of them myself. Shortly before we started IVF I got a little tattoo. I joined the semicolon project. The semicolon is chosen by the author when s/he could have ended a sentence but decided not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life. It all started as a symbol of hope and encouragement for people who suffer from depression and/or tried to commit suicide. They either wear the semicolon on their wrist or their relatives/friends wear it to support them. I am neither suicidal nor do I suffer from depression but this project spread to anyone who is hurting. and I AM HURTING. Daily, for years now. It is also for everyone who went/is going through a hard time, has anxieties, is sad... So it is for all us TTC sisters. I got the semicolon tattoed on my wrist to remind me at this time my whole life. I choose to be reminded at how strong I am (I have to be, otherwise I would have been broken already), that your daddy and me made it through this, that I have wonderful friends who are with me every step of the way, who send me care packages, listen to me when I cry...just support me. I never want to forget how much I already love you and that I was able to endure things I never thought I could, just to make you real.
Well only a few days before ER my dr said we will cancel the cycle since he fears overstimulation (OHSS). I was devastated! To say the least. We went through the ER and got 16 eggs, out of which 12 fertilized. These fertilized eggs have been frozen immediately. I was a little disappointed since my dr talked about way over 20 eggs before retrieval... Because when we do 5dt there will only remain 4 blastozysts, which means 2 transfers when we have 2 embryos transferred every time. Only two tries!!! And then we have to go through all of this again...

Well, I got my period quickly after ER. I was glad because that meant, we can start prepping for a FET. But then, for the first time ever, the day the fertilized eggs were supposed to be thawed the dr said that my lining is too thin and we have to cancel this cycle again. The way he deals with his patients made me switch drs. I don't even get into the part where the clinic charged us for things they didn't even do and then said all was correct but to not lose me as a patient they would take some of the costs out of the bill...

Now I am waiting for AF to arrive to start a second try of a FET. Today is Friday and I hope CD1 will be Sunday. Three weeks into this cycle we will have our transfer if everything works out this time... I will keep you posted and will add pictures in a few days so it's not a big chunk of text.
I also plan on being more active here again.

Love you,
your mommy***