Monday, July 6, 2015

A thousand years and IUI #3

Dear Baby,

to make it short: IUI was a big fail. AGAIN. I had to test at home since IUI was on a Saturday and they don't do blood tests on Saturday. I had to know if I am pregnant bc of the things planned at the weekend. So I took a home pregnancy test (two actually) and of course: BFN. I cried shortly, went to a bachelorette weekend, got asked the same old questions, got the same stupid tipps, really had to pull myself together to not freak out (since it was the bride giving the stupid tipps), came home Sunday evening, cried some more, listened to a great song which helped me get it all out. Then I picked myself up and started waiting for AF to start our last IUI before we go in vacation at the end of July. After our trip we will move on to IVF. I was hoping to avoid that but deep down I know that IUI #4 will be a BFN as well and IVF is in our future. By now, after 20 months of trying to conceive I am okay with giving myself shots, pain, calling in sick at work for treatment... The only fear I haven't lost in this process yet is the fear of going through all of this and still be left empty handed in the end. I know  we could adopt but my husband would only go that way to do me a favor and I think that is not enough to live with that decision your whole life. Furthermore I don't just want to be a mom. I want to know what it is like to bring life into this world. To hear my baby's heartbeat, feel his kicks inside my belly, have my husband kiss and talk to my belly... I just don't want to miss out on all of this.

Since I am a very emotional person this journey is really really hard for me. I used to keep every pain inside when I was younger but by now I learned that letting it all out and sharing your pain makes it a whole lot easier. Unfortunately I can't sing but listening to music and feeling understood by some songs really helps me to release my tears and consequently feel better. Three songs I really feel connected to are the following:

1. Christina Perri - A thousand years

2. We the Kings - Sad Song (here especially the chorus)

3. Andreas Bourani - Hey!

This last song is in German therefore I will translate the lyrics:

Wenn das Leben grad zu allem schweigt                                   When your life remains silent at the moment          
dir noch eine Antwort schuldig bleibt                                          still owes you an answer
dir nichts andres zuzurufen scheint als Nein                              calls out nothing but "NO" to you
Es geht vorbei                                                                             this will pass

Wenn der Sinn von allem sich nicht zeigt                                  If you can't see a meaning in any of this
sich tarnt bis zur Unkenntlichkeit                                               it even disguises itself until it unrecognizable
wenn etwas hilft mit Sicherheit, dann Zeit                                 if something helps with certainty - it's time
Es geht vorbei, es geht vorbei                                                   this will pass, this will pass

Hey, sei nicht so hart zu dir selbst                                             Hey, don't be so hard on yourself
es ist ok wenn du fällst                                                              it is okay to fall
auch wenn alles zerbricht                                                          even if everything breaks apart
geht es weiter für dich                                                               it will go on for you

Hey, sei nicht so hart zu dir selbst                                           Hey, don't be so hard on yourself
auch wenn dich gar nichts mehr hält                                       even if nothing is holding you anymore
du brauchst nur weiter zu geh'n                                              you just have to keep going
komm nicht auf Scherben zum steh'n                                     don't stop standing on shards

Wenn die Angst dich in die Enge treibt                                   If your fear corners you
es fürs Gegenhalten nicht mehr reicht                                    you can't fight it anymore          (free translation here)
du es einfach grad nicht besser weißt                                    you just don't know any better right now
dann bleib                                                                               then stay
es geht vorbei                                                                         this will pass

Wenn jeder Tag dem andern gleicht                                     If every day looks the same
und ein Feuer der Gewohnheit weicht                                  and usualness replaces the fire
wenn lieben grade kämpfen heißt                                         if loving means fighting right now
dann bleib                                                                             then stay
es geht vorbei, es geht vorbei                                              this will pass, this will pass

These songs really help me to get over the pain (Also: New Day - Celine Dion, I would die for that Kelley Coffey). As does knowing that one you have the result of your current cycle, you can jump right into your next try. Grab your next chance. I started spotting tonight, so tomorrow will be CD 1 of month 21 of TTC. This will be our last shot with IUI. Keep your fingers crossed for July so we don't have to do IVF to receive you.

I would also like to know which songs speak to other future moms!

Love you Baby!

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