Monday, June 22, 2015

Picking myself up

Dear Baby,

am so sorry I have been absent for so long. I have a big problem with organizing my own work load. As a teacher you need to be at school, when you teach. But all the preparation and correction work needs to be organized in a time frame that suits yourself. The problem is that when I get home I am sooooo tired that I have the feeling I need to rest for quite a while (let's say a few hours). The truth is, I am tired and I need to rest but I am also lazy and can't get started again. I then push my work from day to day until I am super stressed... Enough whining but that is part of the reason I didn't write on a regular basis.

Back to you... Well IUI#2 was a bust again. I was in the city when I got the call from the fertility clinic. It's kind of funny how you can tell right away what the result will be. Still, it hurt. I tried to pull myself together since I was in the city and didn't want to have a meltdown right there, but some tears I couldn't hold back. Another "funny" thing is that once you started taking actions you overcome the disappointment a lot faster. On the one hand that makes no sense because when you are treated at the fertility clinic your hopes are a lot higher because your chances to conceive are finally better than before. And when your hope are up the disappointment hurts more. In my case however, it makes total sense that I get over the disappointment faster. I believe that I am not the only one feeling like that. Yes sure you are devastated when you get another BFN but at the same time that means your next chance is just around the corner. You stop taking progesterone - wait for your period to come - then call the clinic - schedule the next US appointment - time flies until that appointment - IUI is scheduled - IUI is done - and then comes the hardest part: the TWW! But even that is a lot easier at the moment. There are only five more weeks of school until summer break and a million things left to do that keep my mind from wandering to you.

Right now I am 2dpiui #3. This time a different dr did the IUI since it was a Saturday and not all drs were in. My regular dr took a little bit more time but I guess every dr does it differently. Today I started taking progesterone again. Since my levels were great the last two cycles I don't need to get it checked in a week. The nurses there are really really bad a drawing blood, therefore I am soooo glad they spare me this time. The pregnancy test will be on 16dpiui since 14dpiui (when they usually do the test) is a Saturday. They don't like to do it earlier, they rather move to a later date. The only thing is that I have a friend's bachelorette weekend on 14 and 15dpiui and I would like to know before that. I mean if I get a BFP then it is clear what to do but if I get a BFN I would love to dring my frustration away at that weekend but I know myself... I keep hoping for a different result on the following Monday. Therefore I strongly hope I either get a BFP or FEEL different/pregnant.

When this IUI doesn't work out, we will try one more round right before our summer holidays. On the same day of IUI #4 we will also fill out a therapy plan for IVF so that the insurance can check and approve our plans while we are gone and when we get back and the next cycle starts we will do IVF.

I have been scared to do this for a long time but after giving myself the trigger shots three times made me confident that I can do IVF as well. I start seeing positive aspects of this journey although I still feel like I am being punished for something sometimes.
I would like to list a few positive things:

  1. I already know what a mother's love for her baby is like. I get to enjoy this love long before you are even on your way. This love will be so strong once you get here that nothing can break it.
  2. I get to see you even before many other moms see their baby. I either get to see the egg cell that made you or if we have to go with IVF the blastocyst. 
  3. I know that I will never complain about any pain or discomfort during pregnancy. I will never complain about being tired, have a messy house or dirty clothes... EVER!
  4. I never doubt if I am really ready for such a big change. I had enough time to prepare myself.
  5. I overcame and am overcoming fears: I am a lot better at getting my blood drawn. I am even able to give myself shots now. Well, they have tiny needles but still! 
  6. We get to enjoy our wonderful apartment a bit longer. We could stay here for the first year with a baby but not a lot longer and we loooooove this apartment!
  7. You learn who your true friends are. They are not the ones who give you stupid tipps. They are just there to listen when all you do is cry into their phone.

I bet I can come up with more good things. That's it for now. Let's see where this journey takes us this summer.

To finish, two recent pics. I gave myself the trigger shot at school, so semi-public... NOT a good feeling. And right after IUI #3.

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