Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Saying goodbye to lifelong dreams

Dear Baby,

today is the last day of me being 28 years old. All my life I used to say that when I am 28 I will be a teacher and have 2 kids. The first I accomplished, just not with a unlimited contract... So I am not quite satisfied with that.

About the second part: since I will turn 29 tomorrow, I feel like saying goodbye to my childhood/adolescence dreams, to everything I wanted to have and be until now. Saying goodbye to the vision I had of myself.

Yet, my new year could start with something great. I will have IUI # 2 tomorrow. I had to call in sick today and tomorrow for appointments. Again I hope and pray that it works this time. It would be the most amazing gift to become pregnant on my birthday. I never cared much about that day. I like the numbers 5 and 21 because of it though. But conceiving my miracle, YOU, on that day would make it special forever. It's my mom's birthday June 4th. That would be 14DPO. It is a holiday here this year so I guess the clinic can't do any blood tests that day but if I feel any different and believe I might be pregnant, I will test that day. So tomorrow and June 4th could be special days for me.

Giving myself the shot this morning worked well. The first time I wasn't scared of the pain either. I knew it wouldn't hurt but poking sth. through your own skin made me feel nervous. If you overcome your fears once, the second time will be a lot easier. And it was. It stung a little this time but I guess I was just squeezing my skin too much.

Saskia, a friend I know from my former dancing team gets married in 2,5 weeks. We wanted to perform an old dance again. I just don't remember any of the choreography anymore.... Last week I couldn't train with the other girls since I had no car. This week I don't want to jump around right after my IUI. I think I need to cancel my participation in the performance. I can't learn the steps that quickly when I can't train with them this weekend. It breaks my heart to quit and my heart feels torn. So often I have put my life on hold and still ended up with a BFN... I don't want to do that anymore. But on the other hand: I really didn't stress about doing everything right this cycle anymore... I didn't pay attention to how much I drink, what I eat, working out... I just did what I wanted to do. I am sick of waiting for something that has not showed up yet... And I don't even know when or if it will.

To not lose my hope I got myself a wish bracelet. I tied it around my wrist myself. Your daddy would believe it is a waste of money if I told him I got it. I got one that was quite expensive but I wanted to be specifically for a baby so I had one engraved personally for me.

Also, I am only semi religious. I don't visit church services. Or hardly. But sometimes when I pass our church and feel like it I go inside, say a prayer and light a candle. This time I placed the candle at the highest point of the candle stand. I figured the higher up the closer I get my wish to god.

We will see what the next cycle brings. Hope to meet you soon!