Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Feeling soooooo positive!!!!

Dear Baby,

I haven't felt that good for a very very long time. Let me tell you why... although you might never learn the truth about how you got here. But I will get to that later.

My period started 9 days late when we were in Madrid. I brought the clomifen my regular OB prescribed me so I called the fertility clinic to ask if I could take the pills this cycle and already do the IUI this cycle as well. All of the paperwork, blood work, insurance claim... just needed to go through within about a week. That is a very short time for a lot of things to do. But it all worked out so yesterday on April the 20th I had my first IUI!!!! The reason why I feel so hopeful this time around is that this time everything fell into place perfectly! First my period arrived so late that we were able to do the blood work and the paperwork after our vacation but before I ovulated the next time. That made it possible for us to use this cycle already. Then, I handled the meds really really well. DH was soooo scared because my PMS symptoms are quite severe already and he thought that the meds will let me freak out entirely. But nothing happened. I would even go so far to say that I haven't felt that good for a long time. I was a little bit afraid that the meds didn't work since I didn't have any side effects. But in CD10 I had my first US and it showed two leading follicles at 14mm and 1 at 11mm. Also a few smaller ones but I think they don't want more than 2 leading follicles because of the risk of multiples. I have even heard of cases where the IUI was cancelled bc the patient had to many mature follicles.

The dr wanted to see me again DC 14 since I naturally ovulate rather late in my cycles. My MOH knows a girl, Katharina,l who had to give birth to 4 dead babies before they found out why she never had a successful pregnancy. Now she has a beautiful baby girl. I am in contact with her and she said if my follicles were 14mm on CD10, I shouldn't wait until CD14 for my next US because if I am about to ovulate on CD14 they would need DH's sperm right away. And that is not possible with were he works. So I called the clinic and I was able to go in CD12 which was on Saturday. My 2 main follicles were 16mm then. I got the trigger shot which I had to give myself Sunday night. Instead of another US on CD14 I had my IUI that day instead! So here I got lucky again: Katharina made me go to an earlier US otherwise we would have missed our window.

I was a bit scared to give myself the trigger shot. I wasn't even afraid that it would hurt. The needle was tiny. It was rather the thought of poking something through my own skin... But I did it and although this was just a very small thing to do, I felt a little proud of myself.

Yesterday, CD14, was the IUI then. It took about 3 seconds, I didn't feel anything. I just can't believe that this small thing could create an actual human being! But since every little puzzle piece fell into place this time, I am quite hopeful that this time the last piece will fit as well! I had 2 mature follicles therefore our chances are even higher that 15%. We have never been so close!

A few times in my life I have said things that came true a little later. And a million times I have said that I wanted to be a mum of twins. This is our chance of having twins! This right here could be the fulfillment of my lifelong dream!

I called in sick today. I wouldn't have needed to but I have been told to rest by girls who had their 1st IUI being a success. I have so much work to do but try to relax as much as possible. I know I will be disappointed if this didn't work anyways so I believe thinking positively can't hurt.

On CD21 and 28 I will have further blood work. Until then I need to take progesterone pills. And I need to take them vaginally. I have no idea how that will be since these pills are usually prescribed to take orally during menopause...

1 day down of my TWW!

Love you little one(s)!

What the specialist said

Dear Baby,

I know it has been quite a while. Our appointment with the specialist was on the day before we went on vacation so there was no time to get my thoughts and emotions out right away. I will try to recall them as good as I can.
Dr Steck is very nice which is always important for me when I have to show this person my most private parts. BUT: when he told us our chances of conceiving naturally and his suggestion for a treatment for us I started crying. He suggested IVF right away! That would be our best bet. I did not see that coming. I thought we were the perfect candidates for IUI, do a couple of rounds, become pregnant, that's it. I was so upset. Our chances without treatment he estimated at around 5%. I just did not expect him to give me such low numbers.
We do not feel ready to jump to IVF right away so we talked about other options as IUI as well. He agreed to try about 3 cycles of IUIs and then move on to IVF. When I say he agreed to do that, it is not quite true. He said that he will do whatever we want to do. He sees our struggles caused by my irregular cycles and a tiny little bit by the endo.
After the thoughts had time to circle through me head for a few rounds I realized that his message wasn't even that bad. He said that at age 22 when everything in your cycle and your partner's SA is perfect you have a chance of conceiving between 25 and 30%. At my age, almost 29, it is only 20%. With IUI he thinks he can get my chances up to 15% and with IVF to 40%. Well the 40% sound really really good but I also think about the side effects, costs, dr's appointments... When IUI gives us a 15% chance (which is not a whole lot lower than every other woman's chances) we at least want to try it. Only for 3 rounds though.
At the time of the appointment I was still waiting on my period which was 4 days late that day. Thanks to negative tests I knew that I wasn't pregnant but somehow I was still hoping a tiny bit. Our plan was to take clomifen next cycle to shorten my natural cycles which usually are about 6 weeks long. Then after our vacation they wanted to do some blood work, monitor the next cycle and do an IUI then. So I expected my first assisted cycle to be sometime in May.

Baby, more news to come in the second post for today.

Love you***

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Beyond HEARTBROKEN

Dear Baby,

I am currently CD 40 and still no signs of AF. I took a cheap pregnancy test on Monday - BFN! Since there are still no signs as of now, I went to the pharmacy, bought the most expensive clearblue test (16€) and tested again. Three days late. Again: BFN!



I thought I was okay with a BFN this cycle since we have the appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow. But being three days late I couldn't help but start hoping again. This was our last chance of having a baby in 2015.

With my brother and my friend having a baby at the beginning of October it is even harder on me. I just can't be around them anymore. I can't handle seeing baby bumps and at the same time feeling so empty. Well empty is not the right way to describe how I am feeling. I am full of anger, desperation, heartache, sadness, hurt ... I could go on like that. I just don't understand my body. No cycle is similar to the other ones. The seem to be getting longer again. The longer they are, the less chances I get... In 17 months we did not have one single success.

Now my only hope is the appointment tomorrow. I desperately hope that we can start treatment soon. I don't want to go through rows of tests again. I want to ACT. And I want to do it as soon as possible. We will be on vacation from Friday until next week Sunday. I really hope that the insurance plays along, my cycle and the doctors. I don't want to wait any longer. And it isn't only because I don't want to do it anymore, I feel like I physically CANNOT wait any longer. I feel more and more physical pain the longer this journey lasts.

The other aspect of our journey to you that hurts so badly is the fact that so many people around me who became pregnant easily (especially my friend Rike) keep complaining about everything. And she does it right into my face. ALL THE TIME! I understand that pregnancy is not a constant bliss for 40 weeks but she is so lazy that she let a Dr write her a note that she can't work anymore until the baby comes. In Germany you are paid your full wage if that happens. She also complains that she is gaining weight, her boobs and butt are becoming bigger, she has cellulite now, ... I know that pregnancy also means nausea, cramps, ... I just want to scream into her face: BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GIFT YOU WERE GIVEN SO EASILY AND STOP COMPLAINING! There are so many women, me included, who would do everything and anything to become pregnant and "suffer" through nausea, cramps, fatigue and so much more. We would love our future babies on a whole different level.

I should be working right now but you consume all my thoughts. I am beyond afraid that I will never meet you. That I will never hear the words "I love you, mom!". I know that we still have options. Even options like adoption. I just know that your daddy would not be too thrilled about that and he would only do it for me. And it's not only that I want to be a mother. I want to feel my baby in my belly, feel him/her move, having hiccups, feel the strong bond to this baby who is half me and half the love of my life. I want everything, the good and the bad things, that belong to the experience of being pregnant and the beginning of the miracle of life!

I hope to be able to update you right after our appointment with the fertility specialist. Right now I need to cry some more the relieve my heart of its pain. At least just a little bit!

Why is it made so hard for us to finally meet the person we already love so much with all our hearts?



I am INFERTILE!

Dear Baby,

since I had the counseling session and realized that I need to find things I enjoy doing that keep my thoughts from going to you it has become even harder to do. I spend my days doing nothing. Knowing that my desk is full, my thoughts about work are troubled, I don't really make time to spend with friends or to work out and I do nothing I enjoy. Knowing I "should" do all these things just increases the pressure I put onto myself.

As for a medical update: your daddy had his second SA. The amount of cells was enormous. The couldn't move that well because there were too many. The morphology however was only 11% and the WHO says it shouldn't be below 15%. The lab technician at the fertility clinic said the SA looks okay/good to her and he should not be the reason for our infertility. INFERTILITY... here it is! The first time I am actually using the term referring it to myself and accepting that it is true. Wow! That was a huge step for me. I always thought that maybe nothing is wrong and if I just try to believe hard enough that I will have you, I will finally get pregnant. But since my OB/GYN said there is nothing really she could do for us anymore, I said that I wanted a referral to the fertility clinic to get a consultation on what they could test or what our next steps could be. They sent a whole package of questionnaires, brochures, etc. One brochure said that if you are having unprotected sex for a year and haven't conceived yet you are INFERTILE. It kind if feels like a label. One that I never thought I would wear but somehow deep inside I feel like I have known all along that it will be difficult for us. Maybe I said that I really wanted to have twins one too many times...

Well I went to church last Sunday. I am not the strongest believer but I thought I could use the quiet atmosphere there. The stanza of one song then suddenly kind of spoke to me

Hilf, Herr meiner Stunden,
dass ich nicht gebunden,
dass ich nicht gebunden an mich selber bin.

Help, Lord of my hours,
that I am not bound to,
that I am not bound to myself...


That's actually how I feel quite often: bound to myself!