Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Baby free zones and energy sources

Dear Baby,

yesterday's discussion group turned into an individual counseling session because nobody except for me came. Although I was looking forward to meeting other people in the same situation I was glad to get this one-on-one session. The counselor was very nice and despite not being as helpful as I had hoped she was able to give me some important insight. For the first time I was assured that wanting you so much and thinking about you as often is not the reason why are are not on your way to us yet. The mind might me a strong force but its power is still limited. She does not believe that this is the reason we haven't been able to conceive you yet. That lifted a huge weight from my shoulders.
Through a little exercise I also realized that my wish for you takes up at least 3/4 of my thinking and my life in general. The rest is divided into attention for my work, your daddy, friends, family and free time. And even then I cannot stop thinking about you, so if am being totally honest you take up all my attention at the moment. I need to change that!

I experienced a strong feeling of being worn out for quite some time now. She might have helped me to figure out the reason: I have no energy sources since my disappointment, anger and frustration only draws energy and I do nothing I really enjoy anymore. And by enjoying I mean doing something that distracts my thoughts from you, that lets me relax, enjoy things that I can do because you are not here yet. I used to dance but practice got too intense so I need to find something else. She suggested jogging, painting... I rather need something with a bit more commitment because I rarely take time out of my day to do something I enjoy. Since I feel so worn out I push my work to a point I have no choice than doing it now, under a great deal of time pressure. I believe if I allow myself time for something I enjoy, this will give me energy to do my jobs quicker and really get my mind off of you for a little while. That does not mean that I will love or want you less.

I feel a lot better today! I got my blood drawn to check my TSH and have an appointment with my GYN next week. My husband's sperm will also be examined again next week. In the mail I got pre-seed (my SIL believes that's what got her pregnant) and more digital OPKs. I want to get a counseling session at the fertility clinic to check what they would like/could examine and what they suggest then. Right now I am hopeful that I can try 4 more natural cycles. I want you to be conceived in an act of love and not while undergoing painful medical procedures. Just like all my friends conceived their babies as well.

Hope you start your journey to us soon!

I love you,


Monday, February 23, 2015

No longer close to the abyss...

... because last weekend I fell! I didn't jump, it was not my choice. I couldn't do anything about it. But let me explain what happened:
Last week I found out that one of my girlfriends is pregnant. I knew that they started trying one month before, since we talk openly about our TTC journey to our close friends. Talking to her on the phone, at the end of the call I asked her whether there were any news regarding her TTC plans. She started to stutter and had no other choice than to tell me that she is pregnant. I instantly started crying... with her still on the phone! She understood though. At the same time I could genuinely say that I was happy for her since I expected her to get pregnant quickly and I also expected her to be pregnant before I am. So no huge surprise here. I actually came through the week quite well. I was still in my TWW and hopeful that this time it might has worked.
Then two days ago I woke up early in the morning and went to the bathroom, just to be greeted by my period. This was the first time I couldn't fight the tears when I went back to bed. Although being right next to my husband I felt very lonely, desperate and angry. Why is it so easy for others when we have to try so hard?
At lunch my brother wanted to come by shortly since he wanted to run some errands close to our place. I already thought it was quite strange since I could not believe why he wanted to go to this particular store and he texted me a few times last week which he doesn't do that often. We casually talked on Saturday, had some coffee, when in the middle of the conversation he turned his phone towards me and said "You probably know what this is, right?". On the display you could see the US picture of his wife. She, just like my friend, is 7 weeks pregnant!!!!! Again I started crying so badly and I couldn't stop. He was afraid to tell me. His hands were shaking terribly when he was holding his phone. My SIL even stayed at home because she couldn't handle my reaction to their news. Here again I was so sure that they will have a baby before we do. My SIL got pregnant in her 3rd cycle.
I really try to be happy for them but right now I feel like I fell of the abyss I was standing so close to for the last 16 months. I don't even have any words to explain how I feel and I don't even want to try. That is exactly what this blog is for. I am sick of people telling me to relax, that I want it too much, that I will get my baby, I just have to be patient. Nobody understands and I get that. How could they when I can't even explain properly how I feel? Maybe longing for a baby and wondering why you never even once had a BFP when everybody around you gets pregnant right away feels like having a person die only you knew!
Some of the TTC ladies out there trust that God is out there, everything happens for a reason and at some point he will give them their baby. Only if it is in his plan, of course! Although being raised Christian, I can't believe in that anymore. If there is a God, why would he let me suffer so much and maybe in the end decide that it is not in his plan that I will be a mother? I believe that I am the best candidate for the position of a mother! Any baby would be more than lucky to have me as their mom. If there were a God, why would he give cheaters, liers, party girls, teens ... babies as soon as they think about it?
Saturday has just been the worst day of my TTC journey. I asked myself how much longer I can go on like this. After my laparoscopy I wanted to try naturally for another 6 cycles. Now after 2 I don't think I can suffer through the next 4 cycles. On the other hand I am not ready for IUI or IVF. I think... To figure that out I will go to a discussion group at the fertility clinic right next door tonight. Let's see if that helps me.