Monday, November 9, 2015

7dp5dt - Heartbroken

Dear Baby,

I feel like you are as far away from me as ever. Last Monday I had my 5 day transfer. I felt great about this cycle. How could I not after everything I have done for this cycle to work?!
On November 2nd the day of the transfer finally arrived. I have waited so long for this day. Since I have been told over and over by my drs that I will definitely have a baby since I am still so young (yeah right, I will be at least 30 when I have my first child and I didn't want to just have one) and nothing has been found that causes my infertility I expected to arrive at the clinic to have two best grade blastocysts transferred back. I haven't been told anything about the quality of the blastocysts. I had to ask only to be told that they reached the blastocyst stage but the cell division could have been better. I still have no idea what that means, I just know that I have been very disappointed since with everything the drs have always told me I expected nothing less than perfect blastocysts.

I stayed home the day of and one day after the transfer. Right after the transfer I felt some mild cramping for about three days. I interpreted that as a good sign since something could be happening that causes the ligaments around the uterus to stretch. My skin has been so terrible and I was hungry all the time. Maybe it has just been a sign of my constant procrastination since I can't work when I eat... Apart from that I didn't really feel anything.

Since fertility treatment takes out all chances of a surprise I wanted to at least surprise daddy by testing every day. The first idea behind doing that was to see when the trigger shot leaves my system to be sure that when I see a second line closer to my blood test I know it is not the trigger but a baby. The second thought was that if I knew before my beta I could plan something really cute to tell your daddy that you are finally on your way. That would have been a lot better than just telling him in a message or on the phone when he is at work asking for the result of the blood test. Also I wanted to know before the blood test to be prepared when the clinic calls with a negative result and I am still at work...

So I have been testing every day since I triggered two weeks ago. And once the second line had completely vanished on day 4 past 5dt it had never appeared again. And by now I am sure that it would return until Wednesday, the day of my beta. I thought that with everything being so smooth this cycle and a test day of 11/11/15 I thought it just had to work. I just hoped that after all these hard steps that now could be my time where I start to be the lucky(ier) one. There are so many women who get pregnant the first time... Why not me? Why does this step have to be full of struggles again? The worst is that, I don't know where the difference in technique between the US and Germany is, but here only 1/3 of the fertilized eggs become blastocysts. So out of my 12 fertilized eggs 6 have already been used to give me the two transferred embryos. We only have one try left before we have to start a whole new IVF cycle again. I don't know if I can do that all over again. I know I will do it but right now I cannot imagine how. But what if that won't be a success either? A third time won't be supported by my health insurance. I know my mind is running in overdrive but I could already see next summer with you here clearly before my eyes. And yet, I have to say goodbye to this idea again...

Bye bye***

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Defrosting day!

Dear baby,

or should I say babies? Today is the day you are taken out of your freezer and get the chance to develop. I have been so nervous this morning that I have not been able to sleep anymore. Every time I think about you I get butterflies in my stomach.

I really really hope we get at least 2 blastozysts out of the six defrosted fertilized eggs. That is the only thing standing between today and our transfer. I am so excited to see you on Monday. I hope to get a picture of you to carry around me and to help me know what you looked like at such a young age. Not every parent gets the chance to see their little baby at this stage. As you can see I learn to see the positive aspects of this journey!

Can't wait to see you Monday! I already love you!


Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Almost on your way?

Dear Baby,

today I started getting butterflies in my stomach. Why? Because on Friday I had my first US for this cycle. Since the last two cycles had been cancelled and I took clomid, which is always a risk for the uterine lining, I have been really worried that this cycle would be a bust again. I felt more than relieved when the dr said that the lining looked good in structure and thickness. Additionally, I have two perfect looking follicles, which are important for hormone production.
On Monday October 26th I triggered ovulation and tomorrow I am going to start progesterone because on Monday November 2nd I will finally have my transfer. It is more than amazing and exciting to know that I will have two little embryos in my belly in a week. It is the first time in my life that I will be able to say that I am pregnant. That is if everything goes as planned with the further development into blastozysts in the following few days.

I made an appointment for my very first acupuncture ever as well. Two days before and one day after transfer, as well as one week after transfer I will get acupuncture. There are so many more things I am doing with IVF that I didn't do before. So deep down I can't help but almost EXPECT that this is going to bring me YOU. I know it will be a deep fall, if this doesn't work as well. We have one more try with a FET before we have to start with the shots again. I really hope I will be spared of another round since I am still not a needle person. Right now I decided to stay positive. The only aspect bothering me is that transfer will be on the first day of school after the fall break. I hate to call in sick. Especially right after a break.

So here is a list of the things I did/am doing this cycle:

things I have done before as well:

  • thyroid medicine
  • vitamin D
  • folic acid
  • pomegranate juice
  • a multi vitamin

things I did/am doing for the first time:

  • different teas
  • herbs
  • brazil nuts
  • breakfast with lots of seeds and nuts
  • nuts/almonds for snack
  • iron pills
  • acupuncture
  • cardio at least twice a week
  • more meat and fish
  • relaxation exercises

So all in all I am taking more care about my health. Body and mind. I feel really good about all this now. I am confident that you are just around the corner, ready to come home. And when I picture myself during the relaxation exercise I always see one baby in my arms but pushing a twin stroller. Is that you telling me that you are going to bring someone along? I really do hope so but if you decide to be my only gift that is fine as well. All I want is a healthy and happy baby. If you come in a pair you are both more than welcome. 

Only 5 more days (I am not counting the day of transfer) and you might be moving in! Once again, you are welcome to bring a sibling.


Friday, October 9, 2015

Long time no see...still fighting

Dear Baby,

it has been three months since my last post. So much has happened that it is impossible to put into a few words. I wanted to sit down and write to you many many times but then life got in the way. And very often hope. Hope that I would be PUPO and you would finally make your way to us.

But then you have been pulled away from me again two cycles in a row.

Your auntie Christin and uncle Torsten included me a lot in their pregnancy. Since this is my brother and his wife who I both love dearly, that was more than okay. I felt like if I can't experience all this myself, at least I can experience it with and through them. I heard baby Marla's heartbeat and saw her little face in an US. I can genuinely say I am more than happy about her arrival here in September 27th. But seeing her the first two times made my struggle even more real. I have had a few friends who had babies but it never hit so close to home. Since she is my niece, she is also my blood and although it sounds ridiculous, I feel a little like her mommy. Often I tried to find words for what my heart misses and holding Marla I didn't need any words because what would fill the hole in my hard was right there in my arms. It makes the pain I feel even more real.

Then two days ago Rike, the "friend" I had a fall-out with a few months back, had her baby too. You might think I am a mean and cold-hearted person but I have to say that I am not even able to feel a little glimpse of happiness for her. Nothing! I even hoped she would have a long hard labor. She complained for nine months. About everything! I just wanted her to really go through something worth complaining... I don't want to see her and this baby.

Now a few words about our journey to you. After our 4th IUI failed we decided to move forward with IVF. Everything went smoothly until a few days before egg retrieval. well the shots for the down regulation were no fun but somehow I have been able to give all of them myself. Shortly before we started IVF I got a little tattoo. I joined the semicolon project. The semicolon is chosen by the author when s/he could have ended a sentence but decided not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life. It all started as a symbol of hope and encouragement for people who suffer from depression and/or tried to commit suicide. They either wear the semicolon on their wrist or their relatives/friends wear it to support them. I am neither suicidal nor do I suffer from depression but this project spread to anyone who is hurting. and I AM HURTING. Daily, for years now. It is also for everyone who went/is going through a hard time, has anxieties, is sad... So it is for all us TTC sisters. I got the semicolon tattoed on my wrist to remind me at this time my whole life. I choose to be reminded at how strong I am (I have to be, otherwise I would have been broken already), that your daddy and me made it through this, that I have wonderful friends who are with me every step of the way, who send me care packages, listen to me when I cry...just support me. I never want to forget how much I already love you and that I was able to endure things I never thought I could, just to make you real.
Well only a few days before ER my dr said we will cancel the cycle since he fears overstimulation (OHSS). I was devastated! To say the least. We went through the ER and got 16 eggs, out of which 12 fertilized. These fertilized eggs have been frozen immediately. I was a little disappointed since my dr talked about way over 20 eggs before retrieval... Because when we do 5dt there will only remain 4 blastozysts, which means 2 transfers when we have 2 embryos transferred every time. Only two tries!!! And then we have to go through all of this again...

Well, I got my period quickly after ER. I was glad because that meant, we can start prepping for a FET. But then, for the first time ever, the day the fertilized eggs were supposed to be thawed the dr said that my lining is too thin and we have to cancel this cycle again. The way he deals with his patients made me switch drs. I don't even get into the part where the clinic charged us for things they didn't even do and then said all was correct but to not lose me as a patient they would take some of the costs out of the bill...

Now I am waiting for AF to arrive to start a second try of a FET. Today is Friday and I hope CD1 will be Sunday. Three weeks into this cycle we will have our transfer if everything works out this time... I will keep you posted and will add pictures in a few days so it's not a big chunk of text.
I also plan on being more active here again.

Love you,
your mommy***

Monday, July 6, 2015

A thousand years and IUI #3

Dear Baby,

to make it short: IUI was a big fail. AGAIN. I had to test at home since IUI was on a Saturday and they don't do blood tests on Saturday. I had to know if I am pregnant bc of the things planned at the weekend. So I took a home pregnancy test (two actually) and of course: BFN. I cried shortly, went to a bachelorette weekend, got asked the same old questions, got the same stupid tipps, really had to pull myself together to not freak out (since it was the bride giving the stupid tipps), came home Sunday evening, cried some more, listened to a great song which helped me get it all out. Then I picked myself up and started waiting for AF to start our last IUI before we go in vacation at the end of July. After our trip we will move on to IVF. I was hoping to avoid that but deep down I know that IUI #4 will be a BFN as well and IVF is in our future. By now, after 20 months of trying to conceive I am okay with giving myself shots, pain, calling in sick at work for treatment... The only fear I haven't lost in this process yet is the fear of going through all of this and still be left empty handed in the end. I know  we could adopt but my husband would only go that way to do me a favor and I think that is not enough to live with that decision your whole life. Furthermore I don't just want to be a mom. I want to know what it is like to bring life into this world. To hear my baby's heartbeat, feel his kicks inside my belly, have my husband kiss and talk to my belly... I just don't want to miss out on all of this.

Since I am a very emotional person this journey is really really hard for me. I used to keep every pain inside when I was younger but by now I learned that letting it all out and sharing your pain makes it a whole lot easier. Unfortunately I can't sing but listening to music and feeling understood by some songs really helps me to release my tears and consequently feel better. Three songs I really feel connected to are the following:

1. Christina Perri - A thousand years

2. We the Kings - Sad Song (here especially the chorus)

3. Andreas Bourani - Hey!

This last song is in German therefore I will translate the lyrics:

Wenn das Leben grad zu allem schweigt                                   When your life remains silent at the moment          
dir noch eine Antwort schuldig bleibt                                          still owes you an answer
dir nichts andres zuzurufen scheint als Nein                              calls out nothing but "NO" to you
Es geht vorbei                                                                             this will pass

Wenn der Sinn von allem sich nicht zeigt                                  If you can't see a meaning in any of this
sich tarnt bis zur Unkenntlichkeit                                               it even disguises itself until it unrecognizable
wenn etwas hilft mit Sicherheit, dann Zeit                                 if something helps with certainty - it's time
Es geht vorbei, es geht vorbei                                                   this will pass, this will pass

Hey, sei nicht so hart zu dir selbst                                             Hey, don't be so hard on yourself
es ist ok wenn du fällst                                                              it is okay to fall
auch wenn alles zerbricht                                                          even if everything breaks apart
geht es weiter für dich                                                               it will go on for you

Hey, sei nicht so hart zu dir selbst                                           Hey, don't be so hard on yourself
auch wenn dich gar nichts mehr hält                                       even if nothing is holding you anymore
du brauchst nur weiter zu geh'n                                              you just have to keep going
komm nicht auf Scherben zum steh'n                                     don't stop standing on shards

Wenn die Angst dich in die Enge treibt                                   If your fear corners you
es fürs Gegenhalten nicht mehr reicht                                    you can't fight it anymore          (free translation here)
du es einfach grad nicht besser weißt                                    you just don't know any better right now
dann bleib                                                                               then stay
es geht vorbei                                                                         this will pass

Wenn jeder Tag dem andern gleicht                                     If every day looks the same
und ein Feuer der Gewohnheit weicht                                  and usualness replaces the fire
wenn lieben grade kämpfen heißt                                         if loving means fighting right now
dann bleib                                                                             then stay
es geht vorbei, es geht vorbei                                              this will pass, this will pass

These songs really help me to get over the pain (Also: New Day - Celine Dion, I would die for that Kelley Coffey). As does knowing that one you have the result of your current cycle, you can jump right into your next try. Grab your next chance. I started spotting tonight, so tomorrow will be CD 1 of month 21 of TTC. This will be our last shot with IUI. Keep your fingers crossed for July so we don't have to do IVF to receive you.

I would also like to know which songs speak to other future moms!

Love you Baby!

Monday, June 22, 2015

Picking myself up

Dear Baby,

am so sorry I have been absent for so long. I have a big problem with organizing my own work load. As a teacher you need to be at school, when you teach. But all the preparation and correction work needs to be organized in a time frame that suits yourself. The problem is that when I get home I am sooooo tired that I have the feeling I need to rest for quite a while (let's say a few hours). The truth is, I am tired and I need to rest but I am also lazy and can't get started again. I then push my work from day to day until I am super stressed... Enough whining but that is part of the reason I didn't write on a regular basis.

Back to you... Well IUI#2 was a bust again. I was in the city when I got the call from the fertility clinic. It's kind of funny how you can tell right away what the result will be. Still, it hurt. I tried to pull myself together since I was in the city and didn't want to have a meltdown right there, but some tears I couldn't hold back. Another "funny" thing is that once you started taking actions you overcome the disappointment a lot faster. On the one hand that makes no sense because when you are treated at the fertility clinic your hopes are a lot higher because your chances to conceive are finally better than before. And when your hope are up the disappointment hurts more. In my case however, it makes total sense that I get over the disappointment faster. I believe that I am not the only one feeling like that. Yes sure you are devastated when you get another BFN but at the same time that means your next chance is just around the corner. You stop taking progesterone - wait for your period to come - then call the clinic - schedule the next US appointment - time flies until that appointment - IUI is scheduled - IUI is done - and then comes the hardest part: the TWW! But even that is a lot easier at the moment. There are only five more weeks of school until summer break and a million things left to do that keep my mind from wandering to you.

Right now I am 2dpiui #3. This time a different dr did the IUI since it was a Saturday and not all drs were in. My regular dr took a little bit more time but I guess every dr does it differently. Today I started taking progesterone again. Since my levels were great the last two cycles I don't need to get it checked in a week. The nurses there are really really bad a drawing blood, therefore I am soooo glad they spare me this time. The pregnancy test will be on 16dpiui since 14dpiui (when they usually do the test) is a Saturday. They don't like to do it earlier, they rather move to a later date. The only thing is that I have a friend's bachelorette weekend on 14 and 15dpiui and I would like to know before that. I mean if I get a BFP then it is clear what to do but if I get a BFN I would love to dring my frustration away at that weekend but I know myself... I keep hoping for a different result on the following Monday. Therefore I strongly hope I either get a BFP or FEEL different/pregnant.

When this IUI doesn't work out, we will try one more round right before our summer holidays. On the same day of IUI #4 we will also fill out a therapy plan for IVF so that the insurance can check and approve our plans while we are gone and when we get back and the next cycle starts we will do IVF.

I have been scared to do this for a long time but after giving myself the trigger shots three times made me confident that I can do IVF as well. I start seeing positive aspects of this journey although I still feel like I am being punished for something sometimes.
I would like to list a few positive things:

  1. I already know what a mother's love for her baby is like. I get to enjoy this love long before you are even on your way. This love will be so strong once you get here that nothing can break it.
  2. I get to see you even before many other moms see their baby. I either get to see the egg cell that made you or if we have to go with IVF the blastocyst. 
  3. I know that I will never complain about any pain or discomfort during pregnancy. I will never complain about being tired, have a messy house or dirty clothes... EVER!
  4. I never doubt if I am really ready for such a big change. I had enough time to prepare myself.
  5. I overcame and am overcoming fears: I am a lot better at getting my blood drawn. I am even able to give myself shots now. Well, they have tiny needles but still! 
  6. We get to enjoy our wonderful apartment a bit longer. We could stay here for the first year with a baby but not a lot longer and we loooooove this apartment!
  7. You learn who your true friends are. They are not the ones who give you stupid tipps. They are just there to listen when all you do is cry into their phone.

I bet I can come up with more good things. That's it for now. Let's see where this journey takes us this summer.

To finish, two recent pics. I gave myself the trigger shot at school, so semi-public... NOT a good feeling. And right after IUI #3.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Did I overreact?

Dear mommys at heart,

this post it directed at you. I had a very strange, emotional, frustrating... encounter a few weeks ago.

I avoided to see my pregnant "friend" Rike after we came back from our Easter vacation. I knew she would be showing by then and I didn't know how I would feel if I saw her with her baby bump. To spare me the heartache I just avoided any contact with her. Apart from the occasional message asking how she is feeling maybe. But on a Sunday a few weeks ago we met. Another couple was with us. Pretty much at the beginning she and her husband showed us their new family car. Rike came over and half hugged me and rubbed my shoulder. Quietly I told her that she cannot do that right now or I need to go home because I am barely holding myself together. That's when it happened:

She totally freaked out. Yelled at me that she is tired of justifying herself all the time. She can't help that I am not getting pregnant. I might not be pregnant but I have longer legs than she does!!! I was like "WHAAAAAAAT?????" I told her that this is ridiculous and I would willingly give my long legs if I just got pregnant. Her reply was that she would trade with me as well. I had no more words for her. Or barely. That was too much. I started yelling then that I am sorry but I cannot be happy for her if she behaves like that!!!!

I thought we should talk about this incident just the two of us over lunch the following week. Although I have been hurt deeply. She just replied: "You know..." And I knew...

We were not in touch after that day for quite a while. But because our husbands are good friends I  invited both of them for my birthday. She replied that since things are not resolved they won't come. I apologized since my friend and my husband who were there that day said that my outburst was stronger than I realized myself. I apologized for that but she claimed and still does that I pushed her! I have never ever in my life pushed ANYONE, let alone a pregnant woman. I apologized for my words although she accused me of pushing her. I just think that she needs to take that accusation back because it is simply not true. Her only reply to my apology was just a simple "It's okay.". Hey, what about you? Don't you think you should apologize as well? For lashing out on me in the first place or for accusing me of things like physical violence that are just not true...?

What do you think? I bet you have come across similar situations on your journey TTCing.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Saying goodbye to lifelong dreams

Dear Baby,

today is the last day of me being 28 years old. All my life I used to say that when I am 28 I will be a teacher and have 2 kids. The first I accomplished, just not with a unlimited contract... So I am not quite satisfied with that.

About the second part: since I will turn 29 tomorrow, I feel like saying goodbye to my childhood/adolescence dreams, to everything I wanted to have and be until now. Saying goodbye to the vision I had of myself.

Yet, my new year could start with something great. I will have IUI # 2 tomorrow. I had to call in sick today and tomorrow for appointments. Again I hope and pray that it works this time. It would be the most amazing gift to become pregnant on my birthday. I never cared much about that day. I like the numbers 5 and 21 because of it though. But conceiving my miracle, YOU, on that day would make it special forever. It's my mom's birthday June 4th. That would be 14DPO. It is a holiday here this year so I guess the clinic can't do any blood tests that day but if I feel any different and believe I might be pregnant, I will test that day. So tomorrow and June 4th could be special days for me.

Giving myself the shot this morning worked well. The first time I wasn't scared of the pain either. I knew it wouldn't hurt but poking sth. through your own skin made me feel nervous. If you overcome your fears once, the second time will be a lot easier. And it was. It stung a little this time but I guess I was just squeezing my skin too much.

Saskia, a friend I know from my former dancing team gets married in 2,5 weeks. We wanted to perform an old dance again. I just don't remember any of the choreography anymore.... Last week I couldn't train with the other girls since I had no car. This week I don't want to jump around right after my IUI. I think I need to cancel my participation in the performance. I can't learn the steps that quickly when I can't train with them this weekend. It breaks my heart to quit and my heart feels torn. So often I have put my life on hold and still ended up with a BFN... I don't want to do that anymore. But on the other hand: I really didn't stress about doing everything right this cycle anymore... I didn't pay attention to how much I drink, what I eat, working out... I just did what I wanted to do. I am sick of waiting for something that has not showed up yet... And I don't even know when or if it will.

To not lose my hope I got myself a wish bracelet. I tied it around my wrist myself. Your daddy would believe it is a waste of money if I told him I got it. I got one that was quite expensive but I wanted to be specifically for a baby so I had one engraved personally for me.

Also, I am only semi religious. I don't visit church services. Or hardly. But sometimes when I pass our church and feel like it I go inside, say a prayer and light a candle. This time I placed the candle at the highest point of the candle stand. I figured the higher up the closer I get my wish to god.

We will see what the next cycle brings. Hope to meet you soon!



Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Feeling soooooo positive!!!!

Dear Baby,

I haven't felt that good for a very very long time. Let me tell you why... although you might never learn the truth about how you got here. But I will get to that later.

My period started 9 days late when we were in Madrid. I brought the clomifen my regular OB prescribed me so I called the fertility clinic to ask if I could take the pills this cycle and already do the IUI this cycle as well. All of the paperwork, blood work, insurance claim... just needed to go through within about a week. That is a very short time for a lot of things to do. But it all worked out so yesterday on April the 20th I had my first IUI!!!! The reason why I feel so hopeful this time around is that this time everything fell into place perfectly! First my period arrived so late that we were able to do the blood work and the paperwork after our vacation but before I ovulated the next time. That made it possible for us to use this cycle already. Then, I handled the meds really really well. DH was soooo scared because my PMS symptoms are quite severe already and he thought that the meds will let me freak out entirely. But nothing happened. I would even go so far to say that I haven't felt that good for a long time. I was a little bit afraid that the meds didn't work since I didn't have any side effects. But in CD10 I had my first US and it showed two leading follicles at 14mm and 1 at 11mm. Also a few smaller ones but I think they don't want more than 2 leading follicles because of the risk of multiples. I have even heard of cases where the IUI was cancelled bc the patient had to many mature follicles.

The dr wanted to see me again DC 14 since I naturally ovulate rather late in my cycles. My MOH knows a girl, Katharina,l who had to give birth to 4 dead babies before they found out why she never had a successful pregnancy. Now she has a beautiful baby girl. I am in contact with her and she said if my follicles were 14mm on CD10, I shouldn't wait until CD14 for my next US because if I am about to ovulate on CD14 they would need DH's sperm right away. And that is not possible with were he works. So I called the clinic and I was able to go in CD12 which was on Saturday. My 2 main follicles were 16mm then. I got the trigger shot which I had to give myself Sunday night. Instead of another US on CD14 I had my IUI that day instead! So here I got lucky again: Katharina made me go to an earlier US otherwise we would have missed our window.

I was a bit scared to give myself the trigger shot. I wasn't even afraid that it would hurt. The needle was tiny. It was rather the thought of poking something through my own skin... But I did it and although this was just a very small thing to do, I felt a little proud of myself.

Yesterday, CD14, was the IUI then. It took about 3 seconds, I didn't feel anything. I just can't believe that this small thing could create an actual human being! But since every little puzzle piece fell into place this time, I am quite hopeful that this time the last piece will fit as well! I had 2 mature follicles therefore our chances are even higher that 15%. We have never been so close!

A few times in my life I have said things that came true a little later. And a million times I have said that I wanted to be a mum of twins. This is our chance of having twins! This right here could be the fulfillment of my lifelong dream!

I called in sick today. I wouldn't have needed to but I have been told to rest by girls who had their 1st IUI being a success. I have so much work to do but try to relax as much as possible. I know I will be disappointed if this didn't work anyways so I believe thinking positively can't hurt.

On CD21 and 28 I will have further blood work. Until then I need to take progesterone pills. And I need to take them vaginally. I have no idea how that will be since these pills are usually prescribed to take orally during menopause...

1 day down of my TWW!

Love you little one(s)!

What the specialist said

Dear Baby,

I know it has been quite a while. Our appointment with the specialist was on the day before we went on vacation so there was no time to get my thoughts and emotions out right away. I will try to recall them as good as I can.
Dr Steck is very nice which is always important for me when I have to show this person my most private parts. BUT: when he told us our chances of conceiving naturally and his suggestion for a treatment for us I started crying. He suggested IVF right away! That would be our best bet. I did not see that coming. I thought we were the perfect candidates for IUI, do a couple of rounds, become pregnant, that's it. I was so upset. Our chances without treatment he estimated at around 5%. I just did not expect him to give me such low numbers.
We do not feel ready to jump to IVF right away so we talked about other options as IUI as well. He agreed to try about 3 cycles of IUIs and then move on to IVF. When I say he agreed to do that, it is not quite true. He said that he will do whatever we want to do. He sees our struggles caused by my irregular cycles and a tiny little bit by the endo.
After the thoughts had time to circle through me head for a few rounds I realized that his message wasn't even that bad. He said that at age 22 when everything in your cycle and your partner's SA is perfect you have a chance of conceiving between 25 and 30%. At my age, almost 29, it is only 20%. With IUI he thinks he can get my chances up to 15% and with IVF to 40%. Well the 40% sound really really good but I also think about the side effects, costs, dr's appointments... When IUI gives us a 15% chance (which is not a whole lot lower than every other woman's chances) we at least want to try it. Only for 3 rounds though.
At the time of the appointment I was still waiting on my period which was 4 days late that day. Thanks to negative tests I knew that I wasn't pregnant but somehow I was still hoping a tiny bit. Our plan was to take clomifen next cycle to shorten my natural cycles which usually are about 6 weeks long. Then after our vacation they wanted to do some blood work, monitor the next cycle and do an IUI then. So I expected my first assisted cycle to be sometime in May.

Baby, more news to come in the second post for today.

Love you***

Wednesday, April 1, 2015


Dear Baby,

I am currently CD 40 and still no signs of AF. I took a cheap pregnancy test on Monday - BFN! Since there are still no signs as of now, I went to the pharmacy, bought the most expensive clearblue test (16€) and tested again. Three days late. Again: BFN!

I thought I was okay with a BFN this cycle since we have the appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow. But being three days late I couldn't help but start hoping again. This was our last chance of having a baby in 2015.

With my brother and my friend having a baby at the beginning of October it is even harder on me. I just can't be around them anymore. I can't handle seeing baby bumps and at the same time feeling so empty. Well empty is not the right way to describe how I am feeling. I am full of anger, desperation, heartache, sadness, hurt ... I could go on like that. I just don't understand my body. No cycle is similar to the other ones. The seem to be getting longer again. The longer they are, the less chances I get... In 17 months we did not have one single success.

Now my only hope is the appointment tomorrow. I desperately hope that we can start treatment soon. I don't want to go through rows of tests again. I want to ACT. And I want to do it as soon as possible. We will be on vacation from Friday until next week Sunday. I really hope that the insurance plays along, my cycle and the doctors. I don't want to wait any longer. And it isn't only because I don't want to do it anymore, I feel like I physically CANNOT wait any longer. I feel more and more physical pain the longer this journey lasts.

The other aspect of our journey to you that hurts so badly is the fact that so many people around me who became pregnant easily (especially my friend Rike) keep complaining about everything. And she does it right into my face. ALL THE TIME! I understand that pregnancy is not a constant bliss for 40 weeks but she is so lazy that she let a Dr write her a note that she can't work anymore until the baby comes. In Germany you are paid your full wage if that happens. She also complains that she is gaining weight, her boobs and butt are becoming bigger, she has cellulite now, ... I know that pregnancy also means nausea, cramps, ... I just want to scream into her face: BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GIFT YOU WERE GIVEN SO EASILY AND STOP COMPLAINING! There are so many women, me included, who would do everything and anything to become pregnant and "suffer" through nausea, cramps, fatigue and so much more. We would love our future babies on a whole different level.

I should be working right now but you consume all my thoughts. I am beyond afraid that I will never meet you. That I will never hear the words "I love you, mom!". I know that we still have options. Even options like adoption. I just know that your daddy would not be too thrilled about that and he would only do it for me. And it's not only that I want to be a mother. I want to feel my baby in my belly, feel him/her move, having hiccups, feel the strong bond to this baby who is half me and half the love of my life. I want everything, the good and the bad things, that belong to the experience of being pregnant and the beginning of the miracle of life!

I hope to be able to update you right after our appointment with the fertility specialist. Right now I need to cry some more the relieve my heart of its pain. At least just a little bit!

Why is it made so hard for us to finally meet the person we already love so much with all our hearts?


Dear Baby,

since I had the counseling session and realized that I need to find things I enjoy doing that keep my thoughts from going to you it has become even harder to do. I spend my days doing nothing. Knowing that my desk is full, my thoughts about work are troubled, I don't really make time to spend with friends or to work out and I do nothing I enjoy. Knowing I "should" do all these things just increases the pressure I put onto myself.

As for a medical update: your daddy had his second SA. The amount of cells was enormous. The couldn't move that well because there were too many. The morphology however was only 11% and the WHO says it shouldn't be below 15%. The lab technician at the fertility clinic said the SA looks okay/good to her and he should not be the reason for our infertility. INFERTILITY... here it is! The first time I am actually using the term referring it to myself and accepting that it is true. Wow! That was a huge step for me. I always thought that maybe nothing is wrong and if I just try to believe hard enough that I will have you, I will finally get pregnant. But since my OB/GYN said there is nothing really she could do for us anymore, I said that I wanted a referral to the fertility clinic to get a consultation on what they could test or what our next steps could be. They sent a whole package of questionnaires, brochures, etc. One brochure said that if you are having unprotected sex for a year and haven't conceived yet you are INFERTILE. It kind if feels like a label. One that I never thought I would wear but somehow deep inside I feel like I have known all along that it will be difficult for us. Maybe I said that I really wanted to have twins one too many times...

Well I went to church last Sunday. I am not the strongest believer but I thought I could use the quiet atmosphere there. The stanza of one song then suddenly kind of spoke to me

Hilf, Herr meiner Stunden,
dass ich nicht gebunden,
dass ich nicht gebunden an mich selber bin.

Help, Lord of my hours,
that I am not bound to,
that I am not bound to myself...

That's actually how I feel quite often: bound to myself!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Baby free zones and energy sources

Dear Baby,

yesterday's discussion group turned into an individual counseling session because nobody except for me came. Although I was looking forward to meeting other people in the same situation I was glad to get this one-on-one session. The counselor was very nice and despite not being as helpful as I had hoped she was able to give me some important insight. For the first time I was assured that wanting you so much and thinking about you as often is not the reason why are are not on your way to us yet. The mind might me a strong force but its power is still limited. She does not believe that this is the reason we haven't been able to conceive you yet. That lifted a huge weight from my shoulders.
Through a little exercise I also realized that my wish for you takes up at least 3/4 of my thinking and my life in general. The rest is divided into attention for my work, your daddy, friends, family and free time. And even then I cannot stop thinking about you, so if am being totally honest you take up all my attention at the moment. I need to change that!

I experienced a strong feeling of being worn out for quite some time now. She might have helped me to figure out the reason: I have no energy sources since my disappointment, anger and frustration only draws energy and I do nothing I really enjoy anymore. And by enjoying I mean doing something that distracts my thoughts from you, that lets me relax, enjoy things that I can do because you are not here yet. I used to dance but practice got too intense so I need to find something else. She suggested jogging, painting... I rather need something with a bit more commitment because I rarely take time out of my day to do something I enjoy. Since I feel so worn out I push my work to a point I have no choice than doing it now, under a great deal of time pressure. I believe if I allow myself time for something I enjoy, this will give me energy to do my jobs quicker and really get my mind off of you for a little while. That does not mean that I will love or want you less.

I feel a lot better today! I got my blood drawn to check my TSH and have an appointment with my GYN next week. My husband's sperm will also be examined again next week. In the mail I got pre-seed (my SIL believes that's what got her pregnant) and more digital OPKs. I want to get a counseling session at the fertility clinic to check what they would like/could examine and what they suggest then. Right now I am hopeful that I can try 4 more natural cycles. I want you to be conceived in an act of love and not while undergoing painful medical procedures. Just like all my friends conceived their babies as well.

Hope you start your journey to us soon!

I love you,


Monday, February 23, 2015

No longer close to the abyss...

... because last weekend I fell! I didn't jump, it was not my choice. I couldn't do anything about it. But let me explain what happened:
Last week I found out that one of my girlfriends is pregnant. I knew that they started trying one month before, since we talk openly about our TTC journey to our close friends. Talking to her on the phone, at the end of the call I asked her whether there were any news regarding her TTC plans. She started to stutter and had no other choice than to tell me that she is pregnant. I instantly started crying... with her still on the phone! She understood though. At the same time I could genuinely say that I was happy for her since I expected her to get pregnant quickly and I also expected her to be pregnant before I am. So no huge surprise here. I actually came through the week quite well. I was still in my TWW and hopeful that this time it might has worked.
Then two days ago I woke up early in the morning and went to the bathroom, just to be greeted by my period. This was the first time I couldn't fight the tears when I went back to bed. Although being right next to my husband I felt very lonely, desperate and angry. Why is it so easy for others when we have to try so hard?
At lunch my brother wanted to come by shortly since he wanted to run some errands close to our place. I already thought it was quite strange since I could not believe why he wanted to go to this particular store and he texted me a few times last week which he doesn't do that often. We casually talked on Saturday, had some coffee, when in the middle of the conversation he turned his phone towards me and said "You probably know what this is, right?". On the display you could see the US picture of his wife. She, just like my friend, is 7 weeks pregnant!!!!! Again I started crying so badly and I couldn't stop. He was afraid to tell me. His hands were shaking terribly when he was holding his phone. My SIL even stayed at home because she couldn't handle my reaction to their news. Here again I was so sure that they will have a baby before we do. My SIL got pregnant in her 3rd cycle.
I really try to be happy for them but right now I feel like I fell of the abyss I was standing so close to for the last 16 months. I don't even have any words to explain how I feel and I don't even want to try. That is exactly what this blog is for. I am sick of people telling me to relax, that I want it too much, that I will get my baby, I just have to be patient. Nobody understands and I get that. How could they when I can't even explain properly how I feel? Maybe longing for a baby and wondering why you never even once had a BFP when everybody around you gets pregnant right away feels like having a person die only you knew!
Some of the TTC ladies out there trust that God is out there, everything happens for a reason and at some point he will give them their baby. Only if it is in his plan, of course! Although being raised Christian, I can't believe in that anymore. If there is a God, why would he let me suffer so much and maybe in the end decide that it is not in his plan that I will be a mother? I believe that I am the best candidate for the position of a mother! Any baby would be more than lucky to have me as their mom. If there were a God, why would he give cheaters, liers, party girls, teens ... babies as soon as they think about it?
Saturday has just been the worst day of my TTC journey. I asked myself how much longer I can go on like this. After my laparoscopy I wanted to try naturally for another 6 cycles. Now after 2 I don't think I can suffer through the next 4 cycles. On the other hand I am not ready for IUI or IVF. I think... To figure that out I will go to a discussion group at the fertility clinic right next door tonight. Let's see if that helps me.